a spoon and a fork. what more could u want?

2006-01-11T05:42:00.000-08:00

moved blogs
got tired of this one
too much of him in it
and he is disgusting
a man whore and nuthing more
check it out : http://indulgent-muffin.blogspot.com

much love. xoxo, marlene

2006-01-07T08:46:00.000-08:00

Every blown out candle on the birthday cake,
every fleetin second of a shooting star,
every broken eyelash,
every god forsaken prayer,
would never make me trust in myself again.

And the golden muse played the song so perfectly,
Down to the last wanton note,
down to the last deceptive lyric.
it was all so beautiful
it was all so rushed.
it was all so imperfect.

I dreamt of chipmunks underwater
And a floating bra.
I had new socks on.

2006-01-03T01:15:00.000-08:00

> Kudos to robbie for eating so much wasabi instead of delivering a lame apology. But ur still my man servant. :D

> And thats for you Mr Alex from Conneticut. Lose the cheeseball routine.

> the question i find myself asking so often. PLUS a hott pic of johnny depp. sigh. lovelyness! :D:D

2005-12-31T07:00:00.000-08:00

Holy...shit. Its 2006.
For real you guys, its one whole year.
I dont know if 2005 has been a gd yr or not. I honestly dont.
Everything has kind of lapsed into one whole mass of years. A whole sequence of events.
I don't know if Ive moved forward from 2004 or backward or perhaps I am exactly at the same place....
Lord knows I cant figure it out.
I barely remember all of what happened yesterday or the day before that for the matter.
I have one resolution for 2006, savour life. Live it slower, not to rush things, and realize whats actually going on before ruining it.

I wonder if she'll notice that shes lost all power in the relationship
He holds all the cards, He has the control
and she'll grovel with her heart broken and her tail between her legs
she'll lose all dignity and respect for herself
And I wont noe what 2 say 2 her
For once in my life I will not know what to say to her
"I told you so" would be too cruel
"better luck next time" would be too nonchalant
"He loved u" would be me just lying 2 her face.
I worry about her cos shes lost her head already.
Shes sunk into obsession and further into him than before, if that was even ever possible.
Maybe I dont get their complex relationship
or the fact that everyone makes a mockery of it
of her.
but i dont get how she could trade in her power, her control, her deck of cards just to be with someone who threw her aside like trash before.
maybe i have too much pride and shes really the one i should try to be like
but right now she just seems like a babbling moronic fool,
even a hopeless romantic has more integrity but shes surpassed that and gone straight to fool
like i once did.
i wonder if she'll ever realize that he has the whole hand of cards
and i wonder if she'll ever realize that her imaginary wedding in her head right now that i noe she has so intricately planned out will never take its course
i wonder if she even notices my disdain 4 him is becos i dont want to be the one picking up the pieces, left with the uncomfortable lines to say to her at the end of it all.
im a selfish biggot but at least im not in "love"

2005-12-28T20:25:00.000-08:00

1. When u looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought? "ugh"
2. How much cash do you have on you?: $190
3. What's a word that rhymes with "TEST"? rest
4. Favorite planet? venus
5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell? soren
6. What is your favorite ring on your phone? my phone vibrates :)
7. What shirt are you wearing?: A pink tee that says "Where wild things come from"
8. Do you label yourself? I dunno. Alex Simmons says I'm a prep so I'll go with that cos hes my "emo gangsta"
9. What brand of shoes you are wearing right now? topshop shoesies
10. Bright or Dark Room? bright
11. What do you think about the person who took this survey? i luv her, shes mon petit furet!
14. What did your last text message you received on your cell say? Can you come out tonight? I haven't seen yous in agessss! Miss ya loads and love ya baby!
15. Where is your nearest 7-11? The one by far east plaza which is 5 mins walk frm my place
16. What's a saying that you say a lot? "oh em gee" and "are u serious?" and "thats so fucking hilarious"
17.Who told you they loved you last? soren
18. Last furry thing you touched? Hari's dog
19. How many drugs have you taken in the past three days? uhhhh one kinda pills.
20. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed? none?
21. Favorite age you have been so far? 2
22. Your worst enemy? i dont really have enemies, i just have ppl i dislike
23. What is your current desktop picture? me and niki with a fuzzy hat on being gangsta'
24. What was the last thing you said to someone? "did u c where i put my new undies?"
25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly, which would you choose? A million bucks.
26. Do you like someone? Yes.
27. The last song you listened to? Vagina song - bloodhound gang

2005-12-27T20:04:00.000-08:00

____________________________________________________________________

The vociferous staleness that inhabits the air
The silent treachory that has been beseeched
So I'll wear your pretty promise ring
It represents us -
A melange of my deception and your devout adoration
An air of cool reserve that forms as my carapace
A shield to the unsaid and our fabrications
The sopofiric merry-go-round of ceaseless whispers
My occasional subterfuge that throws you off course
Let the merciful incantation serve to you an anondyne of paranoia.

2005-12-24T06:21:00.000-08:00

OOOOOOHHHH
I GOT A JOHNNY DEPP PICTURE SIGNED BY HIM!
OMG OMG OMG OMG!
how awesome is tt?
my aunt got me his autograph
id like 2 take this time 2 firmly announce
that he is the MOST GORGEOUS man alive
and hes absolutely perfect
and hes a god!
THE MAN IS A GOD!
Id marry a man like tt in a heart beat and im not one for commitment!!
sigh.im a happy muffin queen.

2005-12-23T18:56:00.000-08:00

back from brisbane
i missed like monumental things it feels

my little squirrel, u r to tell me of ur fight with the slag
ive decided i dont quite like her very much
especially after how she told me she bitched abt me just 2 fit in and still pretended 2 b a friend
though i doubt my friendship means enuf 2 her 4 her 2 grovel
but thats how low she is, shes so low she needs to grovel
and im not bitching here cos im not at her level
but shes so low cos of what shes done, shes put herself at grovelling level.

brisbane was aweomse
i loved biscuiting
if u guys wanna have a look at the pictures just go to my album: http://community.webshots.com/user/marloosh2
but i was more than ready to get home
the shoppin was really bad
and the bugs were more than massive
however i must say its nice 2 noe ive been missed :)

got all my xmas shoppin done yesterday
spent a few hundred on buying pressies 4 every1
i hope they like it
i dont quite enjoy xmas
in fact the only celebration i do enjoy r birthdays
particularly my own lol
im such a narcissistic bugger
but at least im very open abt my self indulgent love
and my new found vocabulary: pashing
that is just such an awesome word. sounds mucho better than makin out dont u agree?

anyway im off 4 a pre xmas luncheon
hte only part i love abt it is gettin all dolled up
:D

2005-12-17T19:43:00.000-08:00

Im leaving to brisbane 2nite
im so excited.
its kinda hard 2 believe a whole yr has gone by
alot has changed since january this yr.
i feel like a completely different person since then. kinda freakish.

its kinda cool tt i sorted stuff out with her i reckon.
i still dont trust her and i told her tt 2 her face when we talked
i felt bad seeing that hurt look on her face
cos id never wanna cause her pain cos she used 2 b one of my best friends
but i reckon it needed 2 b said
she betrayed my trust, our trust and so she shd noe she aint gettin it back.

as for my lil acorn loving squirrel, well all is forgiven. not completely forgotten but most definitely forgiven. her intentions and heart were always in the right place, she never did it 2 hurt any1 and i have so much respect 4 sum1 hu has enuf pride and dignity 2 actually apologize 4 sumthing she didnt mean 2 happen. gonna miss the squirrelness sooooo much while in brisbane.

anyway im off 2 blow my nose into a kleenex,
marly

2005-12-15T05:23:00.000-08:00

"Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them."
"I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women."
"Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.."
"Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times."
"I would never do crack I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?"
"I drink to make other people interesting."

2005-12-04T04:41:00.000-08:00

Theres something about having older men fight over u that is so intriguing. I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it.

Intercept this billet-doux and save me from the mockery of my naivety.

This was a brilliant end to a shitty week.

2005-11-28T04:32:00.000-08:00

The trojan mind now, an unclasped diary
SLAG
Her baffling description, her mortal funk
Her Exposure condemned to darkness
Her truth banished to scrutiny
SLAG
Wanton incantations are abandoned
They assume nothing of the abyss
Blind reception, it lies dormant
Within her eyes,
Eyes of the fool.
SLAG
What a pocket of solitude she is now.
No longer the quidnunc,
No longer their coquette
Her sanity, or what she thought of it.
To meld Leering minds and droning speech
It bequests the right hand of God himself
SLAG
No longer each others myrmidon of a cliched love
Of a bitter sweet fabrication
Now leaving an amusing self massacre of guilt and loathe and suspicion
Paranoia and bombastic absurdities
SLAG
The golden muses and the time bomb
You fool,
You stupid girl,
It was just Satan's game.
SLAG.
Frail like the dandellion in her book
Encrusted by ticking seconds.
Savoured by passing minutes
Dminished by flashing hours.
Taken by pulsing days.
SLAG
She falsifies in truth,
Demystification lying as her own fault
Unable to withstand her quaking courage
Fearing not the subtleties of this mere passing
But instead the brutal realities that do not
Disguise and covet themselves in her presence
SLAG
Like a duck, seized in a storm of thunder
Surging up the wind and harrowing up the soul
It always,
makes her audience,
Plant Struck.

2005-11-26T00:46:00.000-08:00

A night of glorification, absolute bliss, uncomplicated bliss

She loved it. She ate it up like a warm brownie on a cold winter morning.

Dancing on the bar top, all eyes on them.

Men pouring into puddles of sheer lust at their feet

Telling her she was pretty and amazing and all the little happy words she loved to hear.

Sweat, cigarettes and booze, pulsing music, attention, flashing lights, ice down ur top, VIP treatment.

The little ornate things that she thrived on.

And the power, OH the power, that it brought.

The power over the men, the whole place.

The power they had, the authority, the sexual ooze.

A night of adoration, total bliss, simple bliss

She loved it. She ate it up like a warm brownie on a cold winters morning.

2005-11-24T06:18:00.000-08:00

Be my intricate little design
Be my divine little pleasure
Be my capescular sacrifice
Be anything but mine.

2005-11-23T03:12:00.000-08:00

And your "I love you" was your biggest lie yet.

She waited for him to say I love you
But he told no more lies
He weaved no more intricate tapestries
She played the role of the ingenue
Or so she tried.
This was her most beautiful act of failure yet.

She waited for him to say I love you
But he told no more lies.
Their story book fell into a mundane lull
Her beliefs were so panglossian.
So pliant and foolish.
She was the inamorata,
In disguise.
She was the lolita,
Under cover.
This was her most silent surrender to bitter sweet revelry yet.

She waited for him to say I love you
But he told no more lies
The rouge of the lovely story turned into a pallor of untruths
The story was no longer fascinating now that it was revealed
They both lionize each other
Deceived each other
Preyed on each other.
Monogamy was the scary fetter on her feather light captivation
No amount of tumid expressions of glory
No amount of tumid lies or uproars would resurrect their grave of pretense.
Like the jargon of a drunk,
This was her most callous beseechment yet.

2005-11-21T23:26:00.000-08:00

Write 5 statements about people you know or TO people you know, Do not write who it is about.

You were the fuck buddy of the century. The fuck buddy that remained in my mind, in my thoughts, in my dreams, in everything I could possibly do. When Im around u, I hate u, I imagine that you are looking at me again with those eyes of yours. Those gorgeous eyes. Those eyes at one point I contemplated saying I love you to when u said it to me. I could rant and rave and call life unfair but that wouldnt do me much good either. Id imagine that ur still not over me and fall into the ridiculous predicament that love conquers all and ur first "love" never dies and that love and soulmates are fated. But ur not love, what we had wasnt love, and Im aware of this and that. U werent my soul mates and u still arent. Theres 2 much abt u that doesnt fit with me. But its nice 2 dream and wish and squander away days at a time isnt it? It is very lovely. And you r my little lovely dream.

You are so completely and utterly annoyingly selfish. I love you to bits like a sister and Id give my life for you but u r so self centred and self pitying and the worst part is that ur so content being that way. You demean and devalue yourself so much by choosing people that will mistreat u. It hurts me that you CHOOSE to do that to yourself and you choose 2 put urself thru this agony and thru this pain and here we r picking up the pieces. you r gorgeous and sweet and kind and u wouldnt ever hurt a person intentionally ever so y do u let people hurt u? u dont deserve that shit and i wish i could b ur little heroin and save u all frm this horrid massacre. wish i could just make u smile when u cry cos ur so beautiful when u smile.

You are absolutely complex. So intelligent and intricate and fragile and yet so strong at the same time. I admire you really, for being the things I can never be, for being the things i try to be but fail at. I admire how you protect urself from the hurtful tale of "love", from the deceased lives of people who really did love or thought they did. Completely intelligent and talented and beautiful like a porcelain doll. Im so afraid that sometimes u'll b broken but then u say the smartest things and all my lil worries just vanish. You shock people with ur passion, that which they dont have, that which they'll never ever posess. You get me most cos u've been thru it like I have, You've endured the bullshit like I have and you just dont c how wonderful u r and how meaningful u r to so many people. I could never put into words what u've given to me. But I love the way you tick, the way your mind works in scary loopholes that are so intellectual and beyond our years. I love it and I love you so u shd have an acorn.

Its absolutely amazing to think abt it and realize how much we've put each other thru. The amount of crap as we grew up as kids and then the amt of crap we got into as adolescents. I hate the fact that he has you now and you have him I cant believe ur gonna trust sum1 hu hurt u so much jsut a few months before. i hate that i love u so much that when ur gone im gonna b insanely lonely, maybe just insane perhaps. Ur completely intelligent and fine, so u surpass me in years and years of intellect and u may sometimes be quite witty OR annoying and show-offy i have such a fear of u actually leavin me. id kill myself b4 u found out though. god knows ur so attached to everything else, the last thing u need is me caving. though i do suspect a year frm now, when ur finally leaving ill bawl my eyes out and all the secrets im keeping from u. wouldnt that b an interesting little show mon chou?

I really liked you for a certain amount of time. Approximately a week. The secret was fun and well kept honestly. but the fire sizzled out. the passion was gone. it really took my mind off things when i was in ur arms and i smelt ur scent. but then it got boring. it got predictable and the friendship we had was so much more exciting, the tension tt friendship brought seemed so much more enticing and the fights that we had never seemed so final or unsettling. I loved what we had and I really do feel stupid for ruining it. i shd have known myself, i shd have known better. I shd have known that one doesnt mix friends with the other little erratic notion of something more than just friends but i didnt. well i did know better, i jsut chose 2 act stupidly. act immaturely and dishonestly, i indulged in my wants and needs cos i was so selfish and self concious of having lost ur undyin affection, but that worked out well didnt it? I guess u cant agree with me on that... I want 2 tell u so much the truth, that im over u and i just wanna go back 2 being friends but i fear u'll hurt me with more words for havin gotten over u so fast, for maybe perhaps never ever being that into u, for maybe perhaps using u... u wouldnt like that very much but at the end of the day, right now, u dont like me very much. and i hate that im fine with that.

2005-11-17T04:04:00.000-08:00

So this is where Im silent
This is when im done thinking it through.
I allowed myself 3 tears
And refused any more than that.
Its a shame to cry.
Its pure stupidity to cry over the past.

Hard walls a prison do not make,
nor do iron grills a cage
Souls seeking and empty take
that for a hermitage.

2005-11-16T06:42:00.000-08:00

He came to her in lust the first time
Lust as sheer as her panties
By the second time he had perfected the trade
He had matured a hundred fucks
Mastered every presdigitation in meaningless tales of "love"
She had retracted years of careful planning
And cautious living for moments like those
She broke her rules etched into the stone of her mind

He came to her first as a fling
Then as a lover, an ideal, a kobold even. perhaps.
perhaps if she wished hard enough
he would still be coming to her.
Lost in a loose detritus of thought
Sometimes the memories are too evil
Too unbearable, too possesive of her
They wont let her free
They wont let her live
They wont let her grasp another hand!
They wont let her taste anothers lips!
They wont let her..
they wont let her forget.

He came to her presenting his love first
Their love
No, their LUST
Their DESIRE
Anything but love
Their attraction,
Their sin,
was their own laconic lingo
Her careless ways and jocund demeanor
Ended with them entwined in a massacre of past affliction
Past affection

He came to her first when she dejected him
And again and again after she grew tired of him
As fast and sudden as those 3 misleading words came
They seemed to deliquesce into another charred fairytale
She remained adamant not to be taken THE fool
Not to be taken THE child
Not to be taken!
She remained adamant that he was true
That he was honest and kind
That he was hers!

He came to her smelling and acting masculine at first
It tooks hours, days, weeks, months
For the sumptious scent to leave her mind
The fetid stench that so so so mingled with everyone that passed her
It took hours, days, weeks, months
For her to cleanse herself of his undeserved attention
The stain of his very glances marred her and made her glow so slightly
She hated it, she detested him
But she never hated him.

He came to with a planned speech at first
The onus of his actions fell upon her
They controlled her every thought
Her every word
Her every tear and outburst!
She cant help herself now
Writing this and crying and counting the many times she believed him
Now she is the abjured one.
She knows she will take it out on her new thing
She doesnt know what to call it
She doesnt want to be a his or a her anymore
She doesnt want a fling anymore
She doesnt want a friend anymore
Hes a thing, they are a thing
He takes her mind off him when shes in his arms
He takes the hurt away with his words
The story sounds so hauntingly familiar
But his eyes...
His hands.
His smell
They plague her
They plague her so!
She'd never ever ever let him see her hurt
She'd never ever ever let him know he had her hooked
Doped up by the falacy of his security
High on the dillusion of his fantasy
Shes disgusted with her own obsession
Shes disgusted with her own weakness and flaw
SHES FUCKING DISGUSTED!

He came to her in lust the first time
Lust as sheer as her panties
By the second time he had perfected the trade
He had matured a hundred fucks

2005-11-15T04:20:00.000-08:00

The sussurus of whats around her
Sweet innocent child, blinds herself to the thorns
They beg themselves to be recognized
But they are hardly worth the realization
Weave her a beautiful tapestry of tales
Lie to her, deceive her, make her happy.
Sweep her off to an oneiric land
Tell her winsome tales
Transform her melancholy face
To that of a virago
She'll condescend you with her own glances
She'll beseech you with her soft murmurs
Perfection, such a malediction.
Such a sin.
Such a lie.
Baffles them with her loquacious banter
Immolate the traces of her left behind
Extinguish any clues of her past identity
Abbleviate her piety, her grace, her turpitudes.
The sussurus of whats around her
The circumambient social dysfunction
She searches for that familiar face
But returns with the mutilation of self realization
Shes seen it all now
Shes seen perfection
Shes seen true horrendousness
Shes seen herself.

2005-11-14T05:12:00.000-08:00

Covet whats inside of me
Dont look at me too long for you'll see my flaws unravel
Puissant past that percolates my soul
Ebullient secrets that inhabit me
Simple, embryonic secrets.
My mind dappled by memories of you
Your lingering touches
Your clinging scent
Your propitous incantations
I take umbrage now against your love
Disdain at how you've ruined me
How you've tarnished my mind
With your sinfully sweet I love yous
Like the precarious summer clouds
You came to me
And I left you
I came to you
And you left me.
Your mind was an open book once upon a time
You held me like i was your world once upon a time
And after all of that, it meant nothing
Nothing nothing nothing nothing NOTHING.
I wanna see that desire in your eyes again
I wanna see passion in your eyes again
I wanna see some form of you in your eyes again
Your so foreign to me now.
We mite as well be strangers.
Treat me like an ornament
Adorn me in ur incriminating subfusc
Drench me in your crimson tears
Drench me in my own withdrawal
Covet that which i never wish for you to see.
ever again.
Covet whats inside of me

2005-11-14T03:10:00.000-08:00

I betray myself
By telling u things id never tell anyone
Especially not u
I demand parley
I pay gold for this statue of silence

2005-11-13T01:40:00.000-08:00

Sometimes we cant really live life by the rules

Especially our own rules.

I broke so many of my own rules for him. And I got insanely hurt and I probably still am but I wouldnt change a second of it. I wouldnt trade any of my mistakes or breaking any of my rules. I guess I only lived thru breaking my own rules and thats sometimes all u need. You and I have so many similar rules, possibly for different reasons cos of different experiences but trust me, its worth it even if it makes u cry or scream or yell or hit him or laugh uncontrollably. every second of it is worth breaking those rules. I guess everything tt ur going thru now is happening 4 a reason, its hard 4 ppl like u and me 2 find sum1 we can truly hate so much tt we love, sum1 we can obsess abt, sum1 we just wanna b with even if it means comprimising the guide lines we have lived our entire lives by. Dont let him pass u by. I love u 2 death and id never want 2 c u hurt but i think its worth the risk right now, the risk of gettin hurt is the only way 2 live life happy. take him on a lil joy ride.

2005-11-10T02:50:00.000-08:00

She knew love like a whore
She wants him no more
No more of this sick little twisted infatuation
It still haunts her
It still tarnishes her every morning
Flashes of nights
She wishes it wouldnt keep her up so
She wishes she didnt feel so shit
She wishes they'd never met

2005-11-09T02:46:00.000-08:00

First word that I think of when I hear....

Rose - red
Romance - lies
Radish - turnips
Love - lust
Lust - passion
Lost - llama
Cat - Lillie
Car - trunk
Closet - secrets
Sex - summer
Stars - summer nights
Soul - his eyes
Bleach - suicide
Beautiful - bones
Break - lost
Dull - grey
Doctor - kinky
Dad - mom
Touch - electricity
Tic-tac-toe - llamas
Trouble - deceit

2005-11-08T05:36:00.000-08:00

my knee is scraped :(
so is my chin :(
this is just not my day.

2005-11-07T01:15:00.000-08:00

i dont wanna think of the thousand possibilities of whats goin thru ur mind
i dont wanna recall the thousand conversations we've had abt nuthing and everything
bye bye pretty boy
i dont wanna noe what u think of me
i dont wanna feel the intensity of ur stares anymore
bye bye pretty boyfriend.
i dont wanna hear your sweet incantations anymore
i dont wanna be plagued by ur incestant tainting touches
bye bye sweet nights.
i dont wanna feel your hands around my waist anymore
i dont wanna rest my head on ur chest and breathe with u
bye bye pagan statue.
i dont wanna sucuumb to your longing words dripping in irony
i dont wanna be your fool and let you hurt me once again.
bye bye innocent surrenders
i dont wanna tingle from your fingers brushing through my hair
i dont wanna awake to a sweet kiss and have you by my side
bye bye panglossian deceptions.
i dont wanna...
i dont want you anymore.

2005-11-05T21:56:00.000-08:00

Im happy again
my kinky squirrel angharad has made me feel mucho better
and so has my kinky rake fetish friend niki hu is finally back frm chiangmai!
love u 2 soooooooooooooooo mucccch... thanks loads babes!

2005-11-05T19:17:00.000-08:00

I went too far with him
with the games
I couldnt sleep all last nite
the guilt kept me awake
the guilt screamed out in the startling silence
the guilt was blinding in the complete darkness
how do i show u how sorry i am 4 everything i did 2 u?
how can i apologize with out being selfish and makin u remember it all?
that stupid summer where i had too much fun
where i took too much from u.
where everything i said or did was never never never thot thru
where i stumbled along , dragging u with me.
where i hurt u so much and still u came back 2 me
and u thot of me as more than a friend
but 2 me u were just a buddy
one of the guys i had my way with
and right now i cant repent
cos i cant say sorry
i cant do anything 2 make it all better
u were so god damn innocent and perfect
i damaged it so much
i tainted everything u said to me with cynicism
and i hurt u so much so u'd never be close enuf 2 hurt me
that didnt work out did it?
no it didnt.
it never did.
tormenting u cos u never could say no 2 me
and i wish the thousand sorrys i said b4 meant something
but i never knew what i was doing and now i do
and i fear that this one real sorry wont cut it.
ill repent for every bit of torture i put u thru
ill repent for the amazing person i screwed over
ill repent under this veil of secrecy right now
or the guilt its just going to engulf me
ive never felt so bad about it, really.
ive never given u a second thot
but u were a friend and i wish we could still be friends
without the complication of kisses and hugs and those 3 silly words
those 3 silly words u murmured that made me hate u even more for being so endearing
i hate that u said those words 2 me
i hate that u looked at me like that
i hate those nights
i hate those hours we spent talking
i hate what i did to u
but what i hate most
is that i cant hate u
cos u never ever did anything wrong but let me treat you that way.
oh god the guilt hurts more than the fact tt i ruined sumthing tt could have been pretty gd for me
u shd have taken ur cue when she told u tt u were 2 gd 4 me
u shd have paid heed everytime i went off with the other boys
u shd have hurt me before i hurt u
u shd have understood how wrong it would be when i said id never love u back
and tt was the one time i was ever honest
i really could never love u back
even now, i dont love u.
even now, i think of u as only a friend
even now i think it meant nothing
im so wrong and how is it that it wasnt even a month later did i have another boy saying the same things u did?
ill never learn... i noe i wont.

2005-11-05T03:24:00.000-08:00

Im so tired of lookin at the past for meaning
I know Im over you
It took me awhole month to get past it
So y is it now that he mentions you
I feel so shit abt every morsel of pain I put u thru?
Y do i feel so guilty abt every single game I played with ur mind?
Y do i wanna yell at u 4 never yelling at me?
4 never stopping me instead of just sayin u loved me?
y do i feel so hurt tt i brought this on myself?
tt i hurt u so u wouldnt hurt me
but in the end we both got screwed over by me.

2005-11-04T23:43:00.000-08:00

Your scent still on me
The way you loved me was something I could never see
Who do i have 2 b 4 u 2 love me again?
Im not the girl u knew so many months ago
Would you look me in the eye still, if i told u so?
Im not the same person hu toyed with u cruelly
Im not the same girl hu flirted with danger ceaselessly
Kiss me you fool. Kiss me like you once did
Kiss me if you dare.
What we had, it was different, its just not there.
If your words just have any meaning at all
Whisper them in my ear once more.
Just once more, Tell me that its me you adore.

Maybe after all of this
Ill tire of you once again
Im not promising you an eternal moment of bliss
But I just want you again.
I just want your kiss.
Put your hands on my waist.
Dont let me go
Dont let me fall
Lets not ever take it slow.
Lets not ever rethink what we did
What I did.
I just want to be in your arms again
And I know you want to hold me again
Ive seen it times before in your glances
Ive heard it times before in your non chalant advances
Ive felt it times before in your static touches
It wasnt love
I still wont admit that it was
I probably never will
It was a silly little fling
Passion filled.
You were just my play thing.
I'll string you on
And cut you off once again.

2005-11-03T06:02:00.000-08:00

And this awkward kiss that screams of other people's lips
Screaming infidelities, taking its wear

2005-11-01T04:09:00.000-08:00

MY LOVELIES U HAVE TO CHECK THIS OUT: ITS SO FUNNY! ::
http://www.funpic.hu/swf/numanuma.html

2005-10-30T01:41:00.000-08:00

Maybe she did the things she did because of the wind.
She was so unsound, so dangerous
Yet would it be foolish to say that
the last time he was with her, was the last time he felt safe?
Yes it would be very foolish
Yet it makes perfect sense to her
Because he was so safe, so enamoured by her
the last she was with him, was the last time she felt so reckless and self loathing.
His eager insignificance
Her lustful damaging flaws
It was heartbreak waiting to happen
Yet hes still around

I have no clue why I felt like typing that out but i did
it has nuthing 2 do with any1 4 those of u that think it does.
they r just words.
words words words.
mouth them with me now.

2005-10-28T23:09:00.000-07:00

Im back!
I feel my old self taking over. which is pretty awesome
Cos im not emo anymore...
Ive been bouncing arnd and dancin and talkin all morning! :D
Absolute brilliance!
I love today.
It feels free and just shockingly refreshing.
Lesson learnt. Mistakes not to be repeated.
Ive fixed me now i gotta fix other things.
They really r looking up... they really are. :)
If u cant figure sumthing out, it isnt worth the figuring out

2005-10-28T09:16:00.000-07:00

There really is no fixing it.
His mind is made up.
Its clear in the obvious absurd awkwardness in his cold responses
I got what I deserved
Theres nuthing else 2 do but pick up the pieces. again.
And revert to my old rules.
Dont ever get too close.
Never get too close where ur emotions become involved and you'll never get hurt.
Stop putting urself on the line
Stop considering monogamous serious relationships
Stop falling for their "I love you"
Stop believing it! Stop it! STOP IT!
Stop obsessing.
Stop self loathing and guilt trips
I just need to stop.
I wish it wasnt so final
But happy. thats what he deserves to be right now
And i dont make ppl happy,
Im too selfish for that.
It really is true.
U screwed up this time marlene. And theres no fixing some things.

2005-10-28T01:33:00.000-07:00

Im tired of breathing
Tired of running
tired of lookin at the past 4 meaning
tired of searching
tired of trying
but im not tired of u.

Dont say you love me and make this harder than it has 2 be.
I cant believe this is so difficult 4 me
I never thought id be so sucked in
I dont even noe what happened
But it did
We ended what never started
I shouldnt feel this way but I do.
Just dont say I love you.

Say you hate me please
So I can hate you
Dont tell me your choice was a mistake
Cos hope will be such a waste on me.
And why do i want to be with you so much now tt you arent here?

2005-10-25T04:42:00.000-07:00

i was talkin 2 hari today
and i realized why i was so hurt the last time
was cos i broke my number 1 rule
rule number 1: NEVER believe a guy when he says I love u.

I chose 2 believe the previous guy tt said tt. and it wasnt true. it took him a month 2 get over me and get it on with sum other hussy. I broke my special rule 4 him cos of the intensity of everything he offered me. Stupid stupid stupid. Absolutely foolish...

so now im at a loss
i said id never break tt rule again
and im presented with another i love u.
i noe i cant return it ever cos i dont believe in love
so y is there a complication there?

rule number 2: NEVER say I love u to a guy
Its just a sign of weakness
and im not gonna be the weak one in a relationship. ive never broken this rule and im much proud of it.

rule number 3:NEVER fall/cry/obsess all over a guy.
Ive done the first two. I may obsess a little too. I must be working on this rule.

Ugh I bend my own rules 2 much.
Why cant i just play by my own rules 4 once and stop putting myself out on limbs?! ugh ugh ugh

2005-10-24T01:40:00.000-07:00

i hate sum people in school.
just loathe em
despise em
they seriously need 2 grow up and fast.

i have this theory
tt clowns will eat in my sleep
especially the evil demonic clown tt roams the school.
hes so scary.

and another theory i have
is tt i shd own a llama
and i would name it after a priest.

my theories r veyr gd and well thot out

2005-10-23T00:24:00.000-07:00

I live in my own little reality of twists and turns
Im happy. Really, I am.
U could leave me here in my own little reality.
Id be happy. Really, I would be.

2005-10-22T09:26:00.000-07:00

today wasnt very gd 4 me
im feeling mucho needy and emo
and i hate tt
y am i such a girrrrll?!
ugh.
double ugh.
im too clingy
im gonna go my little detox spree
detach frm ppl ive gotten 2 close 2

2005-10-21T03:33:00.000-07:00

random mood tt can only be expressed in icons...
dont gimme tt lk.
i love my hot pink pumps.
im gonna get all dolled up 2nite and b a gd girly girl

2005-10-20T08:22:00.000-07:00

<-- for hari, my little squirrel friend hu i spent an awesome time with today. =)

i was worried abt her cos she fell in love with sum1, for their mind and their body.
thats a dangerous thing.
sex is completely an act devoid of emotion.
i didnt want her 2 confuse both and get hurt
and yet im having trouble distinguishing them both too now.
this cant b gd news.
but read my lips
i have but one word 4 u
"whatever"

it aint worth the time
it aint worth the effort
and i called u a friend.
tut tut marlene. dont mix pleasure with friendship.

2005-10-18T08:28:00.000-07:00

I was different this week
I felt it
He felt it
She felt it
I dunno why or how or what
But I was different. We could all sense it. The shoot on sunday went as figured. Had
quite a nice amount of fun
with hari my little squirrel!

2005-10-17T07:51:00.000-07:00

i need 2 catch up on sleep.
have a look at my new pictures on my webshots
the username is: marloosh2
www.webshots.com

2005-10-14T21:55:00.000-07:00

I get so nervous 4 u sumtimes
I dont wanna c u hurt and used by womanisers
It freaks me out that u dont have the complete control over them they have on u
and i cant always be here 4 u picking up the pieces
i want to always be there 4 ya but i cant
i have my own pieces 2 pick up and i have other people's shit 2 work out
and though u mean the world 2 me, i cant swear ill always be this available or accomadating
im practically shittin myself wondering if u have any clue wat ur doing
and the weirdest thing is i do tt shit all the time
and its so acceptable when i do it cos i think i have the control on them
but ur a best fren to me so i just get defensive and weird and scared shitless 4 u
haha i probably scare my sister shitless like this too anyway

2005-10-14T08:10:00.000-07:00

saw skeleton key today
it was pretty awesome
a little freaked out 2 nite
im having one of those nites i wanna be hugged lol!
its so odd
but im like this after watching horror flicks
but then again im also like this after watchin chick flicks
maybe i shd just stop watching both.
and i shd stop asking dumb questions abt love tt wont b answered.

2005-10-12T22:39:00.000-07:00

came across this on someone's site, heres my edition of the list:

10 THINGS MY BOYFRIEND MUST HAVE

1)A bad streak
2)A very sexy smelling cologne/scent
3)Either really nice eyes or a really nice body (e.g strong arms, etc)
4)The ability to play wrestle me without gettin too rough (cos thats just sexy sweet)
5) a sense of humor
6)passion and tons of it (if im gonna yell i want him 2 yell back at me)
7) a quirk (something tt sets him aside frm other guys)
8) guts. (thats right he needs 2 have balls 2 come up 2 me and make me weak in the knees)
9) intense true feelings 4 me (i refuse 2 waste my time on flings tt pass 4 relationships)
10) enough time and tolerance 2 put up with me and my shit

i think im becoming such a hopeless romantic
im off 2 dig a hole and hide in it

"save sumthing special 4 the very end
i got sumthing special 4 my bad boyfriend
c'mon baby be my bad boyfriend"

2005-10-12T07:30:00.000-07:00

it hurts when u werent tryin 2 hurt a fren but thats what happens anyway
especially when u truly love tt same person
and u keep sumthing frm them cos u dun wanna hurt them
and in the end they just get even more hurt

it hurts when u tell sum1 u trust with ur life abt what u think
and they tell tt sum1 else
and its such a twist and so ironic
cos u feel so betrayed and observed and discussed
and yet u cant help trusting tt person after tt
even if u noe they just took out a whole part of ur life

it hurts when thye call u a liar
and despise u and the entire time
ur intentions were gd and true and meant to keep ppl frm hurting
even if it hurt u
so how did things get so screwed up?
how did it get so misconceived?
how did things go so askew and y am i so hooked tt im trusting this person again?

im just setting myself up 4 more hurt feelings
but the whole friendship means so much to me
and seeing her hurt especially knowing i hurt her
its just unbearable
i wanna call her and tell her how sorry i am
i want everything 2 b ok again
with him
with her
with us
just everything 2 go back 2 being ok.
even if i have 2 say a million sorries 4 it.

2005-10-11T22:31:00.000-07:00

i think u shd ask me out again
they say third times a charm

2005-10-11T08:54:00.000-07:00

im in my little romantic gushy mood

some body, any body, shoot me now

2005-10-10T22:52:00.000-07:00

my eye is poofy and swollen
prepare 4 humiliation? oui oui

2005-10-10T05:00:00.000-07:00

were u wearing an armedillo hat when u said that?

ooooo armedillo hats!!!
check out pictures from today on my webshots account
my username is: marloosh
www.webshots.com

my eye is swollen

ya'll have a gd day ya hear?!

2005-10-09T06:12:00.000-07:00

mommy was right when she told me she gave birth 2 a drama queen
this yr started out so quiet
and normal and average
but now ive attracted the drama sumhow again
i make drama, im addicted to it
im absolutely stuck on the melodramatic turn of events that pass 4 my life
dont get me wrong my lovelies,
i love my life.
i couldnt ask 4 more
well i could but i wont
cos i guess im really lucky
but maybe thats y i bring drama
cos im not satisfied with gd
im not satisfied with the word average or normal
or quiet
i dont like the quiet
for the quiet gives me time 2 think and reflect
so i bring on drama and pandemonium
to take me away
away from my normal wonderful life
with its little lavish luxuries
and i taint and mar it with heartbreak and reasons to scream and yell
and reasons to bitch and moan and cry
im filled with so many flaws
and the dramas i loathe and yet am so addicted to, take my mind off those flaws
but im really hurting ppl in my little dramas
and its so self absorbed of me
to want 2 c ppl cry so i can cry so i dont realize my flaws
and in the haste of my dramas hopefully in my mind i think no one sees my flaws
no one sees the me that crawls up in bed on a rainy day and lies there for hours just watching the drops of water.
no one sees the me that cries in chick flicks or dreams of having a very own Aidan of my own (think of sex and the city, yes, that aidan)
and theres the me that no one else sees when i obsess abt someone or sumthing
there r so many parts of me tt no body sees and i dont hide it intentionally i just get caught up in my own little brought abt drama.
my life would b so boring without them
my life would b so much more perfect without them
im such a twat sumtimes
such a little drama queen.
mommy was right.

2005-10-08T07:40:00.000-07:00

im such a girl
and that is more than embarassing
its humiliating and mortifying
but im loving every second,
every hormonal instinct,
every mood swing,
every little bit of it.

2005-10-07T02:41:00.000-07:00

Im liking alice very much
very much indeed
alice is a boy, btw. lol just thot 4 all u stupid uwc ppl hu still think im a lesbian lol.
oh and ummm lets c
i love hungy hippo commercials
they r spiffy! :D
thats my new fav. word.
spiffy.

2005-10-06T07:05:00.000-07:00

UN nite was awesome
helped out the coffeee bean store
and danced in the rain
until i got so dizzy i fell over
but i loved every second of it
most of it anyway
im a bad friend.

2005-10-05T05:36:00.000-07:00

Your words sting and burn like a bad tattoo
Its like all u ever want 2 do is hurt me and make me cry
Opposites may attract but my opposite will never love me for hu i am even if he says he does

2005-10-04T05:41:00.000-07:00

had pilates today after skool
awesome workout
things confuse me.
i got a pretty flower today
it was white
and i put it in my hair. i was so proud of it but then it fell in the toilet bowl. :(

2005-10-03T02:37:00.000-07:00

Random icons, random mood.
Im scaring myself shitless
I enjoyed being in his arms partially.
I enjoyed being looked at like that again.
How scary is that?!

2005-10-02T03:57:00.000-07:00

Well Im back frm sofia's
it was sehr fun

its kinda scary when sum1 u just meets
looks at u a certain way
the way sum1 hu previously was in love with u looked at u
its scarier when they give u hugs and hold ur hands barely knowing u
its the scariest when u fall so acceptingly into this without tt much discomfort
maybe i really am becoming a clingy needy girl.

2005-10-01T01:21:00.000-07:00

bonjourno my lovelies.
im gonna sleep over at sofia's tonight.
im like at an adrenaline high 4 sum reason
im liking this! :)
im feeling deprived of talking to the freak.
lol IM WORKING ON MY INNER CLINGY/NEEDY GIRLNESS!
soon ill b able to act like a girl and b all like needy and emotionally available
isnt that wonderful?
and beautiful?
hahah oui oui i agree.
ok im off to color co-ordinate my sock collection

2005-09-29T06:42:00.000-07:00

The Temptress

There are two types of temptresses, one is the
flirty type who is outgoing and loves flirting
and if she likes what she sees she goes after
it. The second is the temptress who is is very
discreet about her doings. She keeps it on the
downlow if she likes someone, but eventually
always gets her way. When she is alone with
someone she is not afraid to make the first
move and dominate over her mate.

You are the Temptress, you are usually in control,
in your relationships. You tend to be the type
of person who likes things a certain way. You
may be a major flirt and outgoing, or you are a
very subtle person and wait until your behind
closed doors to let that side out, either way
your still in control. You are not one to be
tempted to do something, you are the one
tempting them. You are probably a tease at
times but thats cool, your just being you.
You most likely love being on top during sex so
that you can control everything. If you are not
sexually active, that would most likely be your
fav position along with others.^_~
Your color is red, firey and sexy. Your clothing
would be leather or tight and revealing
clothing unless your the controling person on
the low. In that case your clothing is a sheer
stuff that tends to tease the eye ever so
slightly. Fishnet and net clothing is also you,
it tends to lead the mind to think wonderful
things.^_~
YOU ARE THE PERFECT EXAMPLE OF TEMPTATION.

Temptation Quiz *Lengthy Answers & Gorgeous Pics* ( EVERYONE, Guys and Girls)
brought to you by

2005-09-29T02:25:00.000-07:00

OOooo la la niki!
i didnt write u a poem 2dae
cos ppl think im writing abt niki krop in my grade.
hahaha!
oh the confusion and amusement.

im really bored lately with life and like everything.
someone gimme exciting
and juicy
and entertaining!
I NEED ENTERTAINMENT!

gahhh he has such beautiful green eyes...
and he gives me the most beautiful stares
so y dont i like him if he likes me?
there is something seriously like wrong with me!

2005-09-28T03:41:00.000-07:00

i missed my little freak.
hee hee
i love jewish ppl
and jewish things
and hanukkah
and llamas.
ooo yes i do love llamas

2005-09-27T07:48:00.000-07:00

a new beginning
a new obstacle course
i love mommy?

its absurdly hard 2 show how much u care abt someone when ur me
just as it is...
absurdly hard 4 a fat kid to lose weight and grow up normal
just as it is....
absurdly hard 4 me 2 say i love u.

2005-09-27T05:13:00.000-07:00

All entries having to do with my mom or personal life have been deleted
Mommy is not happy
and when mommy is not happy, I am not happy.

I just want 2 live life like normal ppl
I just want 2 b able 2 cry like normal ppl.

2005-09-27T03:19:00.000-07:00

2005-09-27T01:05:00.000-07:00

works of poetry by me
take a look

http://angharad-rapes-llamas.blogspot.com
http://kirstie-likes-penis.blogspot.com
http://xanga.com/niki_likes_rakes

2005-09-26T03:47:00.000-07:00

My poem to niki 2 cheer her up cos shes having a gloomy day:

Penises are green
Rakes are blue
One day ill fuck ur spleen
and then ill fuck u.
with a rake.

I HOPE IT MADE YOU FEEL BETTER MY KINKY FRIEND AND IF IT DIDNT JUST REMEMBER I WANT 2 HAVE UR BABIES!

5 things i desire:

1)perfection
2)sex and lots of it
3)my hp to be fixed
4)my mp3 to be fixed
5)a rake.

2005-09-25T06:03:00.000-07:00

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Schizoid Personality Disorder:	Low
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Antisocial Personality Disorder:	High
Borderline Personality Disorder:	Low
Histrionic Personality Disorder:	Very High
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:	High
Avoidant Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Dependent Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	Low
-- Take the Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Info --

2005-09-25T04:46:00.000-07:00

hello my lovelies.
my weekend has been somewhat uneventful
i saw christian on saturday
he got rid of the glasses
i forgot how annoying he was lol
but i gave him a hug all the same
he returned it alot warmer than i deserve nor did i like it
he kept me in a bear hug for what seemed like forever
that when i said "ok chris, u can lemme go now..."
i dont think he got the hint.
but i could tell he was nervous
from how fast he spoke
and told me tt the girl he was with was his god sister and he was single
lol. hes so predictable even after ages.
the gd old days? lol
god life has gotten so boring.
even the drama in my life is boring
cos i control it most of the time
im just a control freak really.
lol i control every aspect of my life and some aspects of other people's lives
i hate that about me.
gah i have so many flaws
and too little time 2 correct them.

2005-09-23T23:20:00.000-07:00

i need a piss.....

hahahaha awwwww my little toy has turned against me
he got insulted.
go figure.
pfft men!

men need midol more than women do.

2005-09-23T07:34:00.000-07:00

Ooh La La....

Which reminds me niki, here is ur love poem:

Tampons are purple
Midol is pink
You have wild orgys
In your grandmother's sink

That was a good poem!

Heee heee heee....

I miss my girlies. Im not gonna c em all weekend long...

I ran into a rugby ball 2dae.

That was gd and very chest flattening.

Dont you love the fact tt ill never b above an A cup?
I do...

2005-09-23T01:41:00.000-07:00

i feel like throwing rotten grapes at people.
or banana muffins. u noe the ones they sell at toscana in our canteen?
yeah those banana muffins.

2005-09-22T07:17:00.000-07:00

That night is so shockingly clearly embedded in my mind
So absurdly etched into my memory
So inconveniently marring my dreams, tainting them into nightmares.
That night screwed us up so bad, didnt it?

2005-09-22T02:32:00.000-07:00

I say too much
Yet I say too little.
I shudder at the thought of being immured in my own words
I shouldnt feel this way I really shouldnt. But then again when did I ever do things I should do?

2005-09-20T03:33:00.000-07:00

Im in such an icon mood its freaky
and i wanna dance and dance
till these hunger pangs go away

im a highschool lover and ur my favourite flavour, marly

2005-09-17T04:01:00.000-07:00

OH EM GEE!!!!!!!
....
..

i just felt like tt.
random outburst of emotion
dont u just love it?
i need rain.
rain rain rain 4 me!

addiction is such a bad thing.
bad, marlene...
reowr.
i love addiction.
i love bad things.
maybe im just addicted to the drama tt addiction brings.

i want to twirl
i want to dance
i want to scream
i want to just go nuts.

whammy. haha i like the sound of it too.
but ur still the freak joshua caroline imran!
in ur face sucker!!!

god i need 2 grow up.

2005-09-16T20:13:00.000-07:00

ugh im so pissy now
i dont wanna say sumthing like
stay 4 me and b all clingy and girl-like
but i dont wanna let u go either.
oh well time will tell i guess.
im gonna go off twirling
and lose this stupid stupid feeling

2005-09-15T06:37:00.000-07:00

Im so in an icon frenzy mood and i feel like being kissed, i wanna b kissed. its so romantic. i need the
razzle dazzle of romance. =)

2005-09-15T05:26:00.000-07:00

Thats right. I have so many emotions all conveyed in icons.
Just shut up and kiss me. thats right. i dare u 2 kiss me.

2005-09-13T01:50:00.000-07:00

There is nothing wrong with me
Im totally fine.
Completely and utterly fine.
So maybe I enjoy seeing the pounds shed off, but that doesnt mean I have a problem or disorder
It just means Im self concious
every1 is a lil self concious
and i dont appreciate being treated like a case study
being discussed behind my back
i love u all so much still
but dont discuss me like im a child and i cant comprehend
i hate being discussed
there goes honesty.

2005-09-13T01:49:00.000-07:00

2005-09-12T04:11:00.000-07:00

the first pic is me and sofia today in skool!

im disappointed in myself and my uncontrollable eating today. its raining i want to dance in the rain so much but theres so much lightning and thunder. I feel like a little kid again, cringing everytime the thunder comes. Im loving it

Quod me nutrit , me destruit - what nourishes me, destroys me

2005-09-12T01:57:00.000-07:00

niki, hari, riane and me

2005-09-12T01:49:00.000-07:00

It felt time to move again. My old website was http://snafu-blasphemy.blogspot.com.

Here are a few pictures to start off this dreary blog.